Why I started in the first place?

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Why do we do the things that we do? Perhaps this is the best way to get around this.

I thought I should write about this because there probably is someone out there struggling with similar things… and also, what better way to start a new project/ page/ chapter in your life.

This space is all of those things – a new chapter in my life, a new project for me to focus on.

Let’s backtrack a bit.

My name is Jane, I am (almost) 22 years old, I am a university student currently completing a BA degree in English and American Studies. At high school, I studied three languages, of which nowadays I can deal with only one. When I was younger, I really wanted to write and create art of all sorts – I wanted to be a fashion designer, a tattoo artist, a journalist, a book writer.

I created a tumblr page when I was 14 or 15 and dedicated it to my love for fashion, and in time this blog grew into a fashion – beauty – photography – aesthetic kind of blog, and to be quite honest, I have always been very proud of it.

A few years later (in 2013), I decided to take it to the next level and give creating original content a shot. I was going through some pretty traumatic things and needed a creative outlet to relax and help me focus.

So, in May 2013, I started my first blog, which I dedicated to fashion and beauty, and I loved every second of it. But then, school year 2013/2014 rolled around and this was my last year of high school and I was clueless as to what to do with myself and I really lacked focus. Thankfully, I was attending literature classes that were preparing me for my end-of-the-year state exam and for the university entry exam. These tutoring sessions gave me the focus I needed so desperately and provided a distraction from my life at the time.

My blog started dying around then because I was terrified of showing too much, despite blogging five times a week.

After graduation happened and I was accepted into university, I decided to run a second, identical blog to mine but write it in Bulgarian. Shortly after I made that decision, I realized what a difficult task I had set myself.

My first two years of university were not very easy, but I might elaborate on that another time. Again, because of that I found an excuse not to write, not to create, not to chase my dreams.

My blog was like a punching bag – I was angry at myself for all the horrible thoughts that were clouding my mind, and so I “created” on my blog and got angry when no one paid any attention to me.

I am so ashamed that I allowed fear to get the better of me. I hid and buried my head in the sand for far too long. I stopped writing, I stopped doing what I’ve always loved because I let trauma define my life.

I am still healing and through a lot of self-reflection I can see how far I’ve come, but somehow, now I can see some of the steps I need to make to get myself and my life back on track.

If you went through something traumatic and you closed yourself off from the world, and you think “Will this nightmare never end?”, don’t worry, you will heal and get past this.

I am back to the beginning, I am at the starting line and I am so proud because I am doing it, because despite the fear that is eating me away I am healing, because I am doing something I’ve dreamt of since I was little.

Have you stopped to think why you started something? Does that something still make you happy and if not, what can you do to change that? 

Find me here

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4 thoughts on “Why I started in the first place?”

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